Mi Isla Sola

Christmas is 4 days away.  This year, I feel like a bot… Definitely going through the motions of the holidyays.. baking, decorating, shopping etc, but it’s all got a sense of emptiness hanging over it all. I want it to feel meaningful, I want to be excited for my 6 year old, who can’t wait.. Truly, I am anticipating it on his behalf.. But, for me, the holidays will forever be tainted by Isla’s loss. I feel a whole new ripoff in the holidays. Not only is she not here to enjoy them, as a blossoming little 2 year old with curls and probably full on into dollies and babies, as I was, but I am left to imagine what it would have been like…. how she would have been for the holidays. We’d have been so busy with cookies, gingerbread houses, everything so amazing. My daughter and me. Now this wonderful piece of my life, that should by right be here, is gone. Forever. Never will I bake with her, play dolls with her, do anything with her. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Sometimes, I have a very hard time saying yes to this. Sometimes I feel like the pain is too great, and exceeds the joy I experienced in my pregnancy. I feel like the world’s most ungrateful mother, but if someone asked me if I could have my pregnancy, and my daughter for the 13 hours we did, and then lose her forever, or, never have conceived her, and never have known her, I cannot say with absolute certainty that I’d choose the former. I am not the strongest person (as outsiders seem to think), I am not changed in so many good ways by having her and subsequently losing her. I don’t buy all that bullshit anyway, because if you ask any of those assholes who think you’re a “better person” now if they want to trade places with you, see how quickly they line up. As much as I love her,  losing her will haunt me forever, and I am weak enough to say I may have chosen to have never conceived her at all. I’m sorry Isla, it’s not a slight to you, but the pain of losing you is just so great. I am not a strong one. xoxoxoxo mom