Sometimes, you get so far in your grief, you have so many normal days.. then a day comes where you just can’t shake the cloud over your head, and you almost don’t know what’s bugging you.. then it hits.. oh yeah, my baby died.. and it’s like it’s brand new, all over again. The enormity of it, the permanence, the complete unbelievability of it all. Days like this are becoming less frequent, but they sure do hurt when they hit. 
Maybe it’s just the January blahs, it seems like lots of us are feeling a renewed sadness this week. I’m sad for all of us, whose dreams of our lost little ones will never come true. I miss my baby girl. She seems so far away these days. On the one hand, I’m grateful to be slowly returning to a ‘normal’ kind of lifestyle, but on the other hand, it’s really lonely in ‘normalville’. They don’t really know what happened, they don’t get it, they don’t want to spend a lot of time near my pain. It makes them uncomfortable. Understandably. I’d probably be the same, I guess. I feel like I’m pretending to be normal, with a big secret that I am trying to pretend doesn’t exist. It only works for so long, until I feel so out of place, and I’m missing her so much.
Miss you baby girl. That’s all. Wish you were here.
CLC Said:
on January 20, 2009 at 1:56 pm
It’s a weird place to be. I often feel like I am straddling two worlds. And knowing this is how it will always be is exhausting!
sally Said:
on February 1, 2009 at 10:46 pm
Just landed here from Coggy’s blog. I’m “new” to all of this having lost my first born, a daughter, in August. I’m so sorry about Isla as I believe it is never too late to say I’m sorry. Hoping with all my heart for a happy ending for you this time.
soulost Said:
on March 3, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Sally, I am so very sorry about your daughter.
No, it’s never too late to say sorry, so I still do, even when I hear a loss from many years ago. It’s a tragedy no matter when. Thank you for your wishes for a happy ending. I am holding on to hope. Sending you good wishes, and healing thoughts.
trish Said:
on March 5, 2009 at 10:28 am
I can’t imagine what you’re going through but think of of you all so often. Hang in there, you have no choice but to, I know, but may there be rainbows for you always.