baby! There’s actually a living, breathing(sorta) little human being inside me, and I’m really quite suddenly amazed by it all. Just before my doctor checked for the heartbeat, she paused, grinned and asked me if this baby was going to give her any trouble today. I laughed and said hoped not. It only took a few minutes, and she found it, loud and clear. And, bless her heart, she let us hear it for a good long time. It was the first time I’d actually heard it, per se. I’d been told it was 144 on ultrasound, but couldn’t hear it. There is was, pounding away, sounding like a little freight train, a healthy 160 bpm (doctor says girl!) and I just cried. I still can’t believe at times that this is actually happening. That I might be allowed to hope once again, to imagine holding another of my babies in my arms. It is very surreal, and I feel tremendous gratitude for this pregnancy, and thankfully, haven’t taken a second of it for granted. I feel like I”m walking around with a winning lottery ticket in my pocket, and only I know it. I feel humbled by my gratitude. Hope and joy flit around, and try hard to penetrate the dark cloud of fear and anger that is my grief. It’s getting easier. I don’t know why, I assumed it would get harder. I imagine this is an upswing of grief, and I have no illusions of being ‘done’ with grief, by any stretch. Just for now though, I feel fortunate, lucky, and blessed even (by whom, I don’t know) to have this baby inside me, and I think I’m starting to love it.
After pulling as many strings as she could, and even being successful at getting the ultrasound people to divulge the sex, the tech was unable to tell. 
I’m sad about that, but have been looking for an excuse to hit the states for some shopping anyway. I have to go back for another ultrasound in a month, in order for them to see a few things they missed, so we’ll hold off on our trip until then, but if they still can’t tell, it’s southbound we’ll go. I think I’m actually a little surprised at my reaction to not finding out. I mean, I wanted to know, and still do, but truly, hearing the heartbeat, seeing the body on the ultrasound, having the little bean wave at us, (opening closing of fist right at camera, just amazing), I am truly content. Boy or girl, this kid is wanted so very much, and we just can’t wait to hold it, should we be so lucky. It breaks my heart when Evan asks “will it be alive?” How many five year olds ask that of their siblings? I feel sad for how much he’s had to grow up, but he’s learned a hard lesson at an early age, and I hope it eases the losses he’ll face in his future.
So overall, a really, really good appointment.
