Mi Isla Sola

So… tim told on facebook.. Ugh.. I hate that it’s ‘out there’ now.. we have some mutual friends, and I’m just crazy enough to hope they don’t comment on my facebook too.. I don’t know why, it’s as if I think once every sphere of my life discovers I’m pregnant again, the baby will be taken away from me. Once I’m at my most vulnerable, fragile and open to scrutiny, it’ll all be squashed for everyone to see. Part of me does want to tell.. Get it done, out of the way, etc.. It probably wouldn’t be as bad as I think, it never is.. but I can’t bring myself to do it..

However, here, in the secret world of blogging, where the baby thieves don’t know me, I can talk about it.  Today (Sunday) is 16 weeks. I *think* I feel something… I think I feel flutters, little tumblings… obviously,  I can’t be sure, but wth, it doesn’t hurt to think it might be, right?  I’m getting a bit anxious about the 18 week ultrasound.. I am really hoping to find out the sex.. I am thinking if it’s a boy, I will have some sadness, and renewed grief to work through… the loss of a daughter forever, and another chance at one.. I know it probably sounds terribly selfish to hope for one or the other after all we’ve been through. I read an interesting blog the other day (sorry, I can’t credit, I can’t remember where I read it) that in a sub pregnancy, you lose the right to have a preference. It sounds greedy, and you should take what you get. Like someone complaining at the food bank or something. The whole ‘be glad you got anything at all’… I feel guilty when I express that I’d like a girl this time.. Non-loss parents don’t have to endure this, and it baffles me why we do…  It is true, I’ll be thrilled with a boy too, it’s just that I’dlike another opportunity to raise a daughter. Am I really so horrible for that? Honestly, I don’t think so.